irishslang.info

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.


I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"


"NO!" the children answered.


"If I cleaned the church every day, manicured the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"


Again, the answer was "NO!"


"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"


Again, they all answered "NO!"


I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"


A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD!"


It's a curious race, the Irish.

irishslang.info

Two Irishmen, two Welshmen, two Scotsmen and two Englishmen are washed up on a desert island. One year later the Irishmen are fighting, the Welshmen have set up a male voice choir, the Scotsmen have set up a whisky still and the two Englishmen are still waiting to be formally introduced to each other.

irishslang.info



“Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks “Have you worked with chemicals before?” “Yes!” Paddy replies. The manager asks “Can you tell me what nitrate is?” Paddy replies “I”m hoping its going to be time and a half….”



irishslang.info



Murphy calls to see his old pal, Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says: "Me feet are fooking freezing mate. Could you nip upstairs and get me slippers."

"No bother", he says, and he runs upstairs, and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters, who are sitting naked on their beds.

"Hello, dere girls. Your Da sent me up here to shag ya both, he did."

"Fook off ya liar!"

"I'll prove it," says Murphy.

So he shouts down the stairs: "You did say both of them didn't you, Paddy?"

"Of course I did. What's the use of only fooking one!"

irishslang.info
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

 Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

 "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons."

 "You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.

 You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

 The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over, we
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

 "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

10.  The Banshee

 

The Banshee was a woman who carried with her an omen of death. Sometimes you saw the Banshee as an old woman dressed in rags, sometimes you saw her as a young and beautiful girl and sometimes you saw her as a wash woman, ringing out bloody clothing. Whenever she was seen, she let out a horrible cry and legend has it this cry brought death to any family that heard it. King James I of Scotland thought he was approached by a Banshee. Shortly after, he died at the Earl of Atholl.

9. Pookas

 

The Pookas are a certain type of fairy- one bent on creating havoc in the mortal world. The Pooka appeared at night across rural Ireland and the seaboard. On a good day, the Pooka would cause destruction on a farm- tearing down fences and disrupting the animals. On a bad day, the Pooka would stand outside the farmhouse and call the people outside by name. If anyone came out, the Pooka would carry them away. The Pookas also loved to mess with the ships pulling away from Ireland, and were blamed for many shipwrecks along the rocky coast.

8. Changelings

 

As legend has it, female fairies often give birth to deformed children. Since the fairies prefer visually pleasing babies, they would go into the mortal world and swap with a healthy human baby, leaving behind a changeling. While the changeling looked like a human baby, it carried none of the same emotional characteristics. The changeling was only happy when misfortune or grief happened in the house. The changeling legend has lasted for centuries. William Shakespeare talks of a changeling in his play, “A Midsummer’s Night Dream.” Three hundred years later, Scarlett O’Hara believed Rhett Butler’s illegitimate child was a changeling in “Gone with the Wind.”

7. Dagda’s Harp

 

In Irish mythology, the Dagda was a high priest who had a large and beautiful harp. During a war, a rival tribe stole Dagda’s harp and took it to an abandoned castle. Dagda followed the tribe and called to the harp. The harp came to Dagda and he struck the chords. The harp let out the Music of Tears and everyone in the castle began to cry. Dagda struck the chords again and the harp played the Music of Mirth and all the warriors began to laugh. Then, Dagda struck the chords a final time and the harp let out the Music of Sleep. Everyone but Dagda fell into a deep sleep, allowing him to escape with his magical harp unharmed.

6. The Children of Lir

 

The story of the Children of Lir comes from the Irish Mythological Cycle. Lir was the lord of the sea. He had a wife and four children. When Lir’s wife died, he married his wife’s sister, Aoife. Aoife was jealous of Lir’s children and wanted to be rid of them. One day Aoife took the children to a lake. While they were swimming she performed a spell on them and turned them into swans. Under the spell the children were to remain swans until they heard the sound of a Christian bell. The swans swam from lake, to river to stream for years waiting for the sound of that bell, but it wasn’t until St. Patrick came to Ireland that the children could be free of the curse- 900 years later.

5. St. Patrick

 

To most people, St. Patrick is the man who brought a day of good times and green beer to pubs across the world. In reality, St. Patrick wasn’t made a saint until centuries after his death and he wasn’t even Irish. St. Patrick was born in Britain to a wealthy family. During his childhood, he was kidnapped and sold into slavery in Ireland. During his years in slavery he converted to Christianity and once freed he did spend the rest of his life teaching the Irish about the Christian religion, but he was soon forgotten after his death. It wasn’t until many years later that monks began telling the tale of St. Patrick forcing all the snakes out of Ireland. Something he never could have done as there never were any snakes in Ireland.

4. The Shamrock

 

The three green leaves of the Shamrock is more than the unofficial symbol of Ireland and one of the marshmallows in Lucky Charms. The Shamrock has held meaning to most of Ireland’s historic cultures. The Druids believed the Shamrock was a sacred plant that could ward off evil. The Celtics believed the Shamrock had mystical properties due to the plant’s three heart-shaped leaves. The Celtics believed three was a sacred number. Some Christians also believed the Shamrock had special meaning- the three leaves representing the Holy Trinity.

3. Finn MacCool

 

Finn MacCool is a mythological warrior that appears in several Irish legends. One popular story tells of a salmon that knew all of the world’s knowledge. Finn decided to eat the Salmon to gain the knowledge. As he was cooking the fish, juice squirted out and burned Finn’s thumb. Finn stuck his thumb in his mouth to stop the pain and instantly learned the knowledge the salmon carried. From then on, anytime Finn sucked his thumb he gained whatever knowledge he was seeking.

2. Faeries

 

Faeries exist in some form in mythology all over the world but hold a special importance to the Irish. The fairy society in Ireland is thought to be very much alive, and far from Peter Pan’s Tinker Bell. An Irish fairy can take any form she wishes, but will usually choose a human form. They are said to be beautiful, powerful and hard to resist, which is unfortunate because most fairies in Ireland love to bring misfortune and bad luck to the mortals who come near them.

1. Leprechauns

 

The leprechaun is likely the most widely known type of fairy living in Ireland. Leprechauns have been in existence in Irish legend since the medieval times. Traditionally, leprechauns are tall fairies and often appear to humans as an old man – much different from the modern view of a small, childlike fairy in a green suit. As legend holds, Leprechauns love to collect gold, which they store in a pot and hide at the end of a rainbow. If a human catches a leprechaun, the fairy must grant the human three-wishes before he can be released.

by Angela Colley

original source - http://www.toptenz.net/top-10-irish-myths-and-legends.php

irishslang.info
Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus a burial at sea.
When he died, they kept their promise. They stitched up Uncle Seamus in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat.
After a while, Mick asked, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"
Paddy slipped over the side, only to find himself in water to his knees.
"Dis'll never do, Mick. Row some more."
Later, Paddy tried again, but this time the water was only up to his belly.
Finally, Paddy went over the side and disappeared for a long time.
Mick was getting worried when suddenly Paddy broke the surface, gasping and snorting.
"Well, Paddy? Is it deep enuff here?"
"Aye, it is, Mick. Hand me da shovel."
irishslang.info
It was a sad day when Muldoon's dog died, so Muldoon walked down to the church to ask Father Patrick if he would say a mass for his dear departed pet.
"For heaven's sake Muldoon, I can't say a mass for a creature, said Father Patrick.
"Well, what can I do?" Muldoon replied. "I loved this dog."
"I don't know," said Father Patrick exasperated. "Go down the street to the Baptist church.  Who knows what they believe.  Maybe they can help you."
"I'll do that Father," said Muldoon.  "But can you answer one question for me? I wouldn't want to insult the Baptists...do you think a contribution of $3,000. would be appropriate to say the mass?"
"Blessed mother Muldoon!" Father Patrick exclaimed, "why didn't you tell me your dog was Catholic!"



irishslang.info
Paddy was in the crowd at the St. Patrick’s Day Parade when he collided with a young guy.
Paddy said to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, Kaitlyn, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” 
Paddy said, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”
The young guy says, “Well, her name is Brianna, she is 24 years old, tall, with long red hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a green t-shirt and no bra. The T-shirt says Hug An Irish Girl Today. What does your wife look like?” Paddy said, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”

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