An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question? "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

Paddy and Mick going home from a night out just realized that they didn't have enough money for a taxi So they decided to go to the Bus depot and steal a bus. Mick broke into the depot as Paddy stood guard for the police. After a while Paddy decided to see what was keeping Mick so he looked through the gate there he saw Mick running from bus to bus looking worried
"What the hell are you doing? " hissed Paddy
Mick replied " I can't find a number 6 bus anywhere Paddy "
Holding his hands to his head in disbelief Paddy barked
"You idiot Mick Steal a number 8 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way "

A London Bobby asks two drunks for their names and addresses. The first answers, “I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address.” And the second replies, “I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”

“What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One drink.”

“Paddy, he said you weren't fit to associate with pigs, but I stuck up for you. I said you most certainly were.”

Bobby; "Where were you born?" Paddy; "Dublin". Bobby; "What part?" Paddy; "All of me."

In Ireland, a 7 year old and a 6 year old are raking the yard. The 7 year old says, " I think it's about time we started learning to cuss, when we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 6 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.”

The mother gives the boy a whack on the rear end and sends him to his room without breakfast.

She then turns to the 6 year old and asks, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he says, "but you can bet your mick ass it won't be Cheerios!"

An Irish two seater light aircraft crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers recovered more than 1826 bodies.


Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.

Try to say “Irish wristwatch”

Six Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died.

The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend’s house to tell the wife.

The man says to her, “Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.”

The wife says, “Tell him to drop dead!” The man responds, “I’ll go tell him.”

Paddy tells Mick he’s thinking of buying a Labrador. “Naw, Paddy” say’s Mick, “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

John Wolfe was so offended by the jokes on the P&O cruise, he brought a civil claim against the company, that has been settled out of court
P&O cruise ship Arcadia at Southampton docks. John Wolfe brought a claim against the company for jokes told on the company's vessels, the Oriana and Artemis Photograph: Alamy
An Irish man who brought a civil claim against the owners of a cruise ship after he was the butt of jokes told by comedians on board two of its vessels has won an out-of-court payment.
John Wolfe, 74, a retired builder from Dublin, claimed the jokes, which allegedly stereotyped Irish people, were deeply offensive and left him feeling humiliated. He complained to P&O after he and his wife Joan were on board a worldwide cruise on the Oriana five years ago and brought a claim against Carnival Plc, the owners of the company.
During the trip, he claimed that two comedians entertained passengers by telling a series of Irish jokes in their routines. After allegedly receiving reassurances from the company such jokes would be banned and the Wolfes were given £1,000 of vouchers to spend, they were surprised and upset to hear similar jokes when they took another P&O cruise in 2008 - to the Caribbean on board the Artemis.
Wolfe brought a civil claim against Carnival Plc - the owners of P&O - under race relations legislation as well as the European Union's race directive - a ruling which sets out the principle of equal treatment between persons irrespective of racial or ethnic origin.
The case was due to be heard at the Manchester Civil Justice centre but has been settled out of court.
Wolfe, who represented himself during proceedings, said he couldn't comment on the settlement, but it is believed to be a five-figure sum. The claim that he had been a victim of racial discrimination was struck out by the court.
At a hearing in May, District Judge Anthony Harrison said the case centred on whether Carnival was "vicariously liable" - that is, whether they were responsible for the actions of the comedians. Carnival argued that as the comedians were employed by a sub-contractor - and not directly by them - it is not responsible for the offensive jokes.
The company also claims that as the alleged incidents took place outside UK waters, they do not fall under the jurisdiction of its laws. It argues that a settlement was reached with Wolfe following his first complaint and because he was given £1,000 worth of vouchers, this effectively precluded him pursuing a further complaint.
A P&O spokesperson said: "We can confirm that this case has been resolved amicably out of court to the satisfaction of both parties."

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, manicured the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO!"

"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD!"

It's a curious race, the Irish.

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