Two Irishmen, two Welshmen, two Scotsmen and two Englishmen are washed up on a desert island. One year later the Irishmen are fighting, the Welshmen have set up a male voice choir, the Scotsmen have set up a whisky still and the two Englishmen are still waiting to be formally introduced to each other.

“Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks “Have you worked with chemicals before?” “Yes!” Paddy replies. The manager asks “Can you tell me what nitrate is?” Paddy replies “I”m hoping its going to be time and a half….”

Murphy calls to see his old pal, Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says: "Me feet are fooking freezing mate. Could you nip upstairs and get me slippers."

"No bother", he says, and he runs upstairs, and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters, who are sitting naked on their beds.

"Hello, dere girls. Your Da sent me up here to shag ya both, he did."

"Fook off ya liar!"

"I'll prove it," says Murphy.

So he shouts down the stairs: "You did say both of them didn't you, Paddy?"

"Of course I did. What's the use of only fooking one!"
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

 Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

 "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five

 "You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.

 You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

 The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over, we
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

 "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus a burial at sea.
When he died, they kept their promise. They stitched up Uncle Seamus in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat.
After a while, Mick asked, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"
Paddy slipped over the side, only to find himself in water to his knees.
"Dis'll never do, Mick. Row some more."
Later, Paddy tried again, but this time the water was only up to his belly.
Finally, Paddy went over the side and disappeared for a long time.
Mick was getting worried when suddenly Paddy broke the surface, gasping and snorting.
"Well, Paddy? Is it deep enuff here?"
"Aye, it is, Mick. Hand me da shovel."
It was a sad day when Muldoon's dog died, so Muldoon walked down to the church to ask Father Patrick if he would say a mass for his dear departed pet.
"For heaven's sake Muldoon, I can't say a mass for a creature, said Father Patrick.
"Well, what can I do?" Muldoon replied. "I loved this dog."
"I don't know," said Father Patrick exasperated. "Go down the street to the Baptist church.  Who knows what they believe.  Maybe they can help you."
"I'll do that Father," said Muldoon.  "But can you answer one question for me? I wouldn't want to insult the you think a contribution of $3,000. would be appropriate to say the mass?"
"Blessed mother Muldoon!" Father Patrick exclaimed, "why didn't you tell me your dog was Catholic!"
Paddy was in the crowd at the St. Patrick’s Day Parade when he collided with a young guy.
Paddy said to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, Kaitlyn, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” 
Paddy said, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”
The young guy says, “Well, her name is Brianna, she is 24 years old, tall, with long red hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a green t-shirt and no bra. The T-shirt says Hug An Irish Girl Today. What does your wife look like?” Paddy said, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”
One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"
Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"
Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"
An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.
"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one."
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