Irish Jokes
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question? "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, manicured the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was "NO!"
"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD!"
It's a curious race, the Irish.
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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John Wolfe was so offended by the jokes on the P&O cruise, he brought a civil claim against the company, that has been settled out of court
P&O cruise ship Arcadia at Southampton docks. John Wolfe brought a claim against the company for jokes told on the company's vessels, the Oriana and Artemis Photograph: Alamy
An Irish man who brought a civil claim against the owners of a cruise ship after he was the butt of jokes told by comedians on board two of its vessels has won an out-of-court payment.
John Wolfe, 74, a retired builder from Dublin, claimed the jokes, which allegedly stereotyped Irish people, were deeply offensive and left him feeling humiliated. He complained to P&O after he and his wife Joan were on board a worldwide cruise on the Oriana five years ago and brought a claim against Carnival Plc, the owners of the company.
During the trip, he claimed that two comedians entertained passengers by telling a series of Irish jokes in their routines. After allegedly receiving reassurances from the company such jokes would be banned and the Wolfes were given £1,000 of vouchers to spend, they were surprised and upset to hear similar jokes when they took another P&O cruise in 2008 - to the Caribbean on board the Artemis.
Wolfe brought a civil claim against Carnival Plc - the owners of P&O - under race relations legislation as well as the European Union's race directive - a ruling which sets out the principle of equal treatment between persons irrespective of racial or ethnic origin.
The case was due to be heard at the Manchester Civil Justice centre but has been settled out of court.
Wolfe, who represented himself during proceedings, said he couldn't comment on the settlement, but it is believed to be a five-figure sum. The claim that he had been a victim of racial discrimination was struck out by the court.
At a hearing in May, District Judge Anthony Harrison said the case centred on whether Carnival was "vicariously liable" - that is, whether they were responsible for the actions of the comedians. Carnival argued that as the comedians were employed by a sub-contractor - and not directly by them - it is not responsible for the offensive jokes.
The company also claims that as the alleged incidents took place outside UK waters, they do not fall under the jurisdiction of its laws. It argues that a settlement was reached with Wolfe following his first complaint and because he was given £1,000 worth of vouchers, this effectively precluded him pursuing a further complaint.
A P&O spokesperson said: "We can confirm that this case has been resolved amicably out of court to the satisfaction of both parties."
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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Paddy tells Mick he’s thinking of buying a Labrador. “Naw, Paddy” say’s Mick, “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off, go ahead,
I'll hold your monkey."
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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What's the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.