irishslang.info
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."
irishslang.info

 

St. Patrick’s Day Engagement
An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
 The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.
'I gave you a sham rock.'

 

irishslang.info
A Irishman walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said,
 "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
 The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
The Irishman , just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!'
 The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.
irishslang.info

A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.

 The Texan says : "Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."
The Kerry farmer says: "Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."
irishslang.info
While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:
'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'
 Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.
 'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'
 'Why's that?' asked Pat.
 'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had 'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
irishslang.info
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
 The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off, go ahead,
I'll hold your monkey."
irishslang.info
Paddy Was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , 'A shure I'll give it a go, he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it.
 Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened, 'what do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone, 'Sure I'm having me tea break, replied Paddy, 'And what do you work at? asked the policeman, 'Agh shure I deliver bridges,! Smiled  Paddy!
irishslang.info
Jimy-Joe went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Jimmy-Joe, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off.
He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"
irishslang.info

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman, and Paddy Scotsman

One day, Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman, and Paddy Scotsman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

Paddy Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

Paddy Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH YOU LITTLE THIEF! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"